Saturday, August 13, 2011

Predator Drone Seen Hovering over Standard & Poor’s Headquarters

Company Could Be in for Downgrade of its Own, Experts Say


WASHINGTON- Just days after downgrading the credit rating of the United States, Standard & Poor’s was on high alert this morning after an unmanned Predator drone was seen hovering over its headquarters in lower Manhattan.

While the mission of the Predator was unclear, some insiders speculated that S & P might be in for a downgrade of its own.

The Predator appeared in the skies above the company’s headquarters minutes after it was rumored that S & P was about to downgrade the United States to the same status as Pluto.

As a so-called “dwarf nation,” the U.S. would no longer be accorded the same respect as a recognized country like France or Brazil, one S & P source said: “Basically, the United States would be considered a social network with parking.”

At the White House, President Obama offered no comment on the Predator’s mission, saying only, “The Predator is an effective weapon against the enemies of the United States of America.”

He did offer apologies for what he called “an accidental Predator missile strike” over the weekend at a golf course in Virginia which narrowly missed Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA).

In other financial news:

– In an effort to find a safe haven, rattled investors fled the dollar today and moved their money into Groupons.

– In a rare bright spot on Wall Street, manufacturers of red ink posted record profits.

– And finally, Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner explained his decision to remain at the U.S. Treasury: “I didn’t want to look for a job – it’s fucking scary out there.”

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Sunday, June 12, 2011

The Earth is Full… of Hypocritical Eco Blowhards

Thomas Friedman had a column in Wednesday’s New York Times entitled “The Earth is Full.” In the column, Friedman called for people to work less and own less in order to save the planet. Bla bla bla.


There’s a common thread among many of the people who demand that everybody else do without: They tend to have a lot more than the people they’re asking to own less — which is why the following items come as complete non-surprises: Friedman’s wife is the heir to the shopping mall fortune of one of America’s wealthiest families (safe bet they don’t all live in eco houses). As for the more relevant issue of Friedman himself, if the world is too full, maybe it’s because he’s taking up too much space.
Newsbusters points out that the July 2006 issue of Washingtonian magazine called Friedman’s home “a palatial 11,400-square-foot house, now valued at $9.3 million, on a 7.5-acre parcel…”
Between Thomas Friedman and Al Gore, if they’d let some of us greenhouse gas-spewing eco-unfriendly serfs spill over into their sprawling carbon footprints, maybe the earth wouldn’t be so full.
If somebody wants to effectively convince people that the world is in peril because of carbon footprints, they’d be wise to first make sure it looks like they believe it. That’s Salesmanship 101. Global warming alarmists with private jets and mansions are like cardiologists preaching healthy diets to their patients while walking through the waiting room smoking cigarettes and eating pork rinds.

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Thursday, May 19, 2011

New Study Finds iPad is Cure for Adultery; Owners ‘Stop Noticing Other People Altogether’

Mandatory Equipment for New Chief, IMF Says


CUPERTINO – A new scientific study (made up by the auther) released today says that iPad owners are less likely to commit adultery “because they stop noticing other people altogether.”
According to the study, commissioned by Apple, Inc., iPad use disrupts what scientists agree are the necessary first stages of extramarital sex: “noticing, admiring, and talking to other people.”
The study, which was conducted on a sample of one thousand iPad owners, found that not only did iPad use make them thoroughly uninterested in extramarital sex, “their nonstop talking about the amazing features and apps on their iPads made them completely unattractive to potential sex partners as well.”
The study also indicated that iPad owners are far less likely to have sex with the people they are married to, but that in two-iPad couples “neither partner seems to care.”
The new findings about the iPad drew widespread praise for the tablet device, including an official seal of approval from the National Association of Housekeepers and Maids.
In Europe, the International Monetary Fund announced that the iPad would be “mandatory equipment” for any candidate who hopes to take the helm of the IMF.

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Monday, May 09, 2011

Bin Laden is Dead: Now Stop Talking About Him!

Americans have had the chance to enjoy that even though it took 10 years, the US Navy Seals "got our man". Osama bin Laden is dead. Great.

The problem lies in that the news media won't stop talking about bin Laden and won't stop talking about the photos of him dead. I see no reason to give this mass killer any more media attention and certainly no reason to release photos of him dead. If Al Qaeda doesn't want to believe he is dead - fine. Will that change the facts? Let bin Laden's henchmen wait for a message from him. Perhaps in a year or two they will realize that indeed bin Laden is dead.

CIA Director Leon Panetta says the US will release photos of a dead bin Laden. Why? The photos will merely make bin Laden a hero to some in death, give him even more media attention and, most importantly, inflame sentiments against America and Americans. Why pour fuel on the fire?

If the USA knows that bin Laden is indeed dead - what is their reason for proving it to anyone? If our allies need to have proof from some reason (and if they do, isn't that a problem?) why not show the photos on back channels?

If our enemies want proof - phfffft - who cares? Allow them to believe what they want. Will enemies stop hating Americans and stop attempting terror attacks against us if they know bin Laden is dead? No!

There's simply no point in releasing the photos or discussing bin Laden any further. Bin Laden's reign of terror is over. Let's move on. Who just moved to the #1 spot? Let's focus on him.

Leia Mais…

Sunday, May 08, 2011

FRENCH MARS PROBE SURRENDERS

Robotic Arm Extends White Flag


The French space program took a significant step backward today as the European Space Agency announced that a much-heralded French Mars probe surrendered just moments after landing on the red planet.

The probe, which had been expected to travel extensively across the surface of Mars to collect and analyze rock samples, stunned the French nation by surrendering only eight seconds into its mission.

As millions of astonished Frenchmen watched on national TV, the probe extended a robotic arm — designed to scoop up rocks from the surface of Mars – and raised a white flag aloft, waving it back and forth.

The probe then used a robotic shovel to dig a hole in the Martian surface before disappearing into the hole, apparently hiding.

At a press conference in Paris, French President Jacques Chirac denied that the probe had surrendered, arguing, “This mission was always intended to be eight seconds long. The probe has performed courageously and superbly.”

Despite earlier announced plans for the French Mars probe to exchange information about the surface of Mars with the American Mars probes, Mr. Chirac said, “The Americans will have to go it alone.”

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Friday, May 06, 2011

Trump Dogged By Rumors His Hair is Not From U.S.

So-called ‘Balders’ Movement Gathers Steam

NEW YORK – A threat to the fledgling presidential campaign of Donald Trump emerged today, as a group of activists charged that Mr. Trump is not eligible to hold the nation’s highest office because his hair does not originate from the U.S.

The group, who call themselves “Balders,” claim that the hair-like substance that crowns Mr. Trump’s head is from a foreign country, which would mean that the candidate is less than one hundred percent American.

“Time and time again, Donald Trump has refused to produce a certificate of authenticity for his hair,” said Leeann Selwyn, a leading Balder. “This is tantamount to a comb-over of the truth.”

But if in fact Mr. Trump’s distinctive mane turns out to be of foreign origin, such a revelation need not be fatal to his presidential hopes, says Professor Davis Logsdon, who has studied the history of presidential hair at the University of Minnesota.

“Remember, several of our greatest early presidents, like George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, had hair that originated elsewhere,” Mr. Logsdon says. “The only thing that could kill Trump politically is if his hair turns out to be from France.”

At a GOP event in Iowa, Mr. Trump made no reference to the Balders controversy, and instead sounded an upbeat theme: “If I am given the chance to do the same magic I did for NBC, America will be the number four country in the world.”

In a piece of good news for Mr. Trump, a new poll showed a majority of likely voters agreeing with the statement, “Donald Trump being sworn in as President would be a great last scene in a Planet of the Apes remake.”

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Trump Undecided About What Stupid Shit to Say Next

NEW YORK (J.C. Hough) – With the public’s attention focused on the death of Osama bin Laden, billionaire Donald Trump huddled with advisors for the second straight day to try to decide what stupid shit to say next.

“The bin Laden thing has definitely stolen the headlines from Donald,” said close associate and advisor Tracy Klugian. “The only way he can grab them back is by doing what he does best: saying something really fucked up.”

Trump’s two-day hiatus from spewing messed up shit is the longest on record, experts say, adding to the pressure on the billionaire to break his silence with something truly craptastic.

To that end, he has closeted himself with a circle of advisors including the Rev. Pat Robertson, former NBA star Charles Barkley, and the former voice of the Aflac duck, Gilbert Gottfried.

Mr. Trump has drawn up a short list of verbal turds that have potential, including attacking President Obama for overdue library books during his grade school years, but so far he has failed to come up with a comment that is both objectionable and ill informed enough to meet his high standards.

“People don’t know how much work goes into saying the stupid shit Donald says,” Mr. Klugian said. “He just makes it look easy.”

Elsewhere, in another setback for al-Qaeda, the terror network confirmed today that Osama bin Laden was the only person who knew the organization’s iTunes password.

Leia Mais…

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Wikileaks and Pfc. Bradley Manning are Traitors.

In case you haven’t already heard, Bradley Manning, an Army Private that was most recently deployed to Iraq, has leaked over 90,000 pages of classified Afghanistan war documents and materials to a website dedicated to protesting wars, Wikileaks. Let’s take a look at why Army Analyst Bradley Manning deserves nothing short of the death penalty due to the deaths he has caused and new dangers that now exist for US Solders and innocent Afghan families.

Who Is Private Bradley Manning?

Private First Class Bradley E. Manning (born 1987) is a United States Army soldier who has been arrested and charged with the unauthorized use and disclosure of U.S. classified information.

Manning an intelligence analyst assigned to a support battalion with the 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 10th Mountain Division at Contingency Operating Station Hammer, Iraq, when he was arrested by agents of the U.S. Army Criminal Investigation Command acting on information received from federal authorities provided by an informant, Adrian Lamo, in whom Manning had previously confided. Lamo, a journalist and former computer hacker, stated he came forward as an act of conscience. Manning allegedly told him via instant messaging that he had leaked the “Collateral Murder” video of the July 12, 2007, Baghdad airstrike, in addition to a video of the Granai airstrike and around 260,000 diplomatic cables, to the whistleblower website Wikileaks

On July 5, 2010, Manning was charged under the Uniform Code of Military Justice with violations of Article 92 and 134 for “transferring classified data onto his personal computer and adding unauthorized software to a classified computer system,” and “communicating, transmitting and delivering national defense information to an unauthorized source”. The maximum possible prison sentence for the charges is 52 years. An Army spokesman stated that an Article 32 hearing, similar to a grand jury, would be held to determine whether or not there was enough evidence to proceed to a court-martial.[1]

Treason is defined in the Constitution as:

Under Article III, Section 3, of the Constitution, any person who levies war against the United States or adheres to its enemies by giving them Aid and Comfort has committed treason within the meaning of the Constitution. The term aid and comfort refers to any act that manifests a betrayal of allegiance to the United States, such as furnishing enemies with arms, troops, transportation, shelter, or classified information. If a subversive act has any tendency to weaken the power of the United States to attack or resist its enemies, aid and comfort has been given.

Private Manning held a minimum of a Secret Security Clearance, which the Department of Defense spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to filter him through the screening process. He has had a thorough background check, state and federal background checks, investigations and interviews. Most importantly, he has sworn an oath to defend our constitution and our country against ALL enemies, foreign and domestic. For anyone that has or is currently serving in the U.S. Armed Forces, you understand what that means.

Due to Bradley’s role as an Analyst in the Army, he was granted a security clearance in order to gain access to classified materials. By definition, his clearance gave him access to information whose unauthorized disclosure could result in exceptionally grave danger to the nation. Even if he were to release classified materials to another military member with an equal clearance, it is still considered a breach in security. Every classified document has specific orders as to who can and can’t view its materials. To view classified material at least to criteria must be met, first you have to have the appropriate clearance to view the material, and then you must have a need to know what the material contains.

Who is WikiLeaks?

WikiLeaks is a foreign source operating out of Australia. It is a website dedicated to spotlighting war crimes and classified government documents in efforts to turn more people against war. Simply speaking, if 100 terrorist were killed in a gun fight and one civilian was killed in the crossfire, WikiLeaks would tell you about that one civilian. You wouldn’t hear a word about the other 100 terrorist.

What Bradley Manning Did

Private Manning gained access to over 90,000 pages of classified materials, and leaked it to WikiLeaks. The documents included sensitive materials such as Afghan civilian informant names, military installation locations, meeting locations, undercover operations, top secret missions, classified intelligence documents, intelligence video materials, and military strategies used during the war (in other words treason according to the Constitution).

After the Afghanistan war documents were retrieved by WikiLeaks, they were then posted online for the world to see. The world that had the opportunity to view these documents included the Taliban, Al-Qaeda, Jihad, and terrorist groups alike.

The Leak of Death

WikiLeaks claims they release information like this in order to save civilians lives and protect innocent people. This leak has done the complete opposite. Since the release of these documents, several innocent Afghanistan informants and their families have been confirmed murdered. Not only are more innocent lives being lost, but the Afghans have lost all confidence in American forces to be able to keep them safe for providing information to us. In case you didn’t know, information is what has gotten us this far in the fight against terror.

Not only have we lost informants to death and fear, we’re now having to spend thousands of dollars to move and protect the families of current and recent informants that may still be alive. This is just the beginning as to why this is a treasonable offense. We could face repercussions decades down the road as the documents will continue to provide a first-hand look into our military operations in Afghanistan.

Treason

Since the beginning of established military and governments, treason has been a crime punishable by death. Typically no questions asked once proven guilty. Treason is defined as a violation of allegiance to one’s sovereign or to one’s state, a breach of faith and confidence entrusted by one’s government and the betrayal of the allegiance that a person owes his sovereign or his country.

By definition, Bradley Manning has committed a blatant act of treason in its simplest form. Bradley Manning has broken his personal oath of enlistment that he spoke, as he raised his right hand and swore to defend his country. He has trampled his integrity into the ground and is officially an enemy of the state.

People Defending & Supporting Bradley Manning

What really makes me sick are the few people that are defending and supporting Bradley Manning. Listen, he wasn’t a civilian trying to improve civil rights, or a politician fighting during a campaign. He isn’t a cooperate worker competing with another company, and he sure isn’t a hero. He made a promise, an oath, to defend America and obey his Commander in Chief regardless of his political beliefs or personal opinions. There is nothing that excuses his behavior or justifies his actions. He committed treason pure and simple. He broke every military code entrusted upon those who serve our great country and work to keep it safe. He is a traitor to his fellow soldiers, Marines, sailors and airmen. He is a disgrace.

Why He should be put to Death

Unfortunately, he’s probably not the only military service member who has the itch to release information. There are more out there. Sentencing Pfc. Bradley to anything short of death for the crime of treason will only empower others who wish to carry out his same acts of treachery. If an example has ever needed to be made in our military, it is now. His actions have caused more innocent deaths, by ousting civilian Afghan families who have helped America in their fight against terror. The same innocent civilians that we fight to protect are now in more danger due to his selfish, despicable actions.

He has dishonored his name, his service, his brothers and sisters in arms, his family, his friends and his country.

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