New Study Finds iPad is Cure for Adultery; Owners ‘Stop Noticing Other People Altogether’

Mandatory Equipment for New Chief, IMF Says

CUPERTINO – A new scientific study (made up by the auther) released today says that iPad owners are less likely to commit adultery “because they stop noticing other people altogether.”

According to the study, commissioned by Apple, Inc., iPad use disrupts what scientists agree are the necessary first stages of extramarital sex: “noticing, admiring, and talking to other people.”
The study, which was conducted on a sample of one thousand iPad owners, found that not only did iPad use make them thoroughly uninterested in extramarital sex, “their nonstop talking about the amazing features and apps on their iPads made them completely unattractive to potential sex partners as well.”
The study also indicated that iPad owners are far less likely to have sex with the people they are married to, but that in two-iPad couples “neither partner seems to care.”
The new findings about the iPad drew widespread praise for the tablet device, including an official seal of approval from the National Association of Housekeepers and Maids.
In Europe, the International Monetary Fund announced that the iPad would be “mandatory equipment” for any candidate who hopes to take the helm of the IMF.

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Bin Laden is Dead: Now Stop Talking About Him!

Americans have had the chance to enjoy that even though it took 10 years, the US Navy Seals "got our man". Osama bin Laden is dead. Great.

The problem lies in that the news media won't stop talking about bin Laden and won't stop talking about the photos of him dead. I see no reason to give this mass killer any more media attention and certainly no reason to release photos of him dead. If Al Qaeda doesn't want to believe he is dead - fine. Will that change the facts? Let bin Laden's henchmen wait for a message from him. Perhaps in a year or two they will realize that indeed bin Laden is dead.

CIA Director Leon Panetta says the US will release photos of a dead bin Laden. Why? The photos will merely make bin Laden a hero to some in death, give him even more media attention and, most importantly, inflame sentiments against America and Americans. Why pour fuel on the fire?

If the USA knows that bin Laden is indeed dead - what is their reason for proving it to anyone? If our allies need to have proof from some reason (and if they do, isn't that a problem?) why not show the photos on back channels?

If our enemies want proof - phfffft - who cares? Allow them to believe what they want. Will enemies stop hating Americans and stop attempting terror attacks against us if they know bin Laden is dead? No!

There's simply no point in releasing the photos or discussing bin Laden any further. Bin Laden's reign of terror is over. Let's move on. Who just moved to the #1 spot? Let's focus on him.

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FRENCH MARS PROBE SURRENDERS

Robotic Arm Extends White Flag

The French space program took a significant step backward today as the European Space Agency announced that a much-heralded French Mars probe surrendered just moments after landing on the red planet.

The probe, which had been expected to travel extensively across the surface of Mars to collect and analyze rock samples, stunned the French nation by surrendering only eight seconds into its mission.

As millions of astonished Frenchmen watched on national TV, the probe extended a robotic arm — designed to scoop up rocks from the surface of Mars – and raised a white flag aloft, waving it back and forth.

The probe then used a robotic shovel to dig a hole in the Martian surface before disappearing into the hole, apparently hiding.

At a press conference in Paris, French President Jacques Chirac denied that the probe had surrendered, arguing, “This mission was always intended to be eight seconds long. The probe has performed courageously and superbly.”

Despite earlier announced plans for the French Mars probe to exchange information about the surface of Mars with the American Mars probes, Mr. Chirac said, “The Americans will have to go it alone.”

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Trump Dogged By Rumors His Hair is Not From U.S.

So-called ‘Balders’ Movement Gathers Steam

NEW YORK – A threat to the fledgling presidential campaign of Donald Trump emerged today, as a group of activists charged that Mr. Trump is not eligible to hold the nation’s highest office because his hair does not originate from the U.S.

The group, who call themselves “Balders,” claim that the hair-like substance that crowns Mr. Trump’s head is from a foreign country, which would mean that the candidate is less than one hundred percent American.

“Time and time again, Donald Trump has refused to produce a certificate of authenticity for his hair,” said Leeann Selwyn, a leading Balder. “This is tantamount to a comb-over of the truth.”

But if in fact Mr. Trump’s distinctive mane turns out to be of foreign origin, such a revelation need not be fatal to his presidential hopes, says Professor Davis Logsdon, who has studied the history of presidential hair at the University of Minnesota.

“Remember, several of our greatest early presidents, like George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, had hair that originated elsewhere,” Mr. Logsdon says. “The only thing that could kill Trump politically is if his hair turns out to be from France.”

At a GOP event in Iowa, Mr. Trump made no reference to the Balders controversy, and instead sounded an upbeat theme: “If I am given the chance to do the same magic I did for NBC, America will be the number four country in the world.”

In a piece of good news for Mr. Trump, a new poll showed a majority of likely voters agreeing with the statement, “Donald Trump being sworn in as President would be a great last scene in a Planet of the Apes remake.”

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Trump Undecided About What Stupid Shit to Say Next

NEW YORK (J.C. Hough) – With the public’s attention focused on the death of Osama bin Laden, billionaire Donald Trump huddled with advisors for the second straight day to try to decide what stupid shit to say next.

“The bin Laden thing has definitely stolen the headlines from Donald,” said close associate and advisor Tracy Klugian. “The only way he can grab them back is by doing what he does best: saying something really fucked up.”

Trump’s two-day hiatus from spewing messed up shit is the longest on record, experts say, adding to the pressure on the billionaire to break his silence with something truly craptastic.

To that end, he has closeted himself with a circle of advisors including the Rev. Pat Robertson, former NBA star Charles Barkley, and the former voice of the Aflac duck, Gilbert Gottfried.

Mr. Trump has drawn up a short list of verbal turds that have potential, including attacking President Obama for overdue library books during his grade school years, but so far he has failed to come up with a comment that is both objectionable and ill informed enough to meet his high standards.

“People don’t know how much work goes into saying the stupid shit Donald says,” Mr. Klugian said. “He just makes it look easy.”

Elsewhere, in another setback for al-Qaeda, the terror network confirmed today that Osama bin Laden was the only person who knew the organization’s iTunes password.

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